Living One Day At A Time

This my long awaited return to tumblr….(yeah right) 

Anyways I’m so over school right now. These professors I’ve obtained are just stupider and stupider. They lack the basis of teaching correctly to the mass majority and I am frankly quite fed up of it. These text books do a better job of teaching me and getting the point across of the whole damn lecture in 5 mins as in comparison to my professor’s 1hr and 45 min lectures. The only professor that makes this interesting is my saturday class professor Mr. Vega, he’s a great comedian/professor if that makes sense haha. 

Other than that life is the same nothing too important to mention as a change. I’ve improved within myself in the last few months and my life seems to be taking a different direction. Also I can’t stand any of the mainstream artists, my tolerance for their idiotic rhyming schemes is nonexistent, nothing but the same things over and over. That’s why I’ve decided to stick to underground and indie genre type of music, including all my other favorite genre’s from past times haha. 

Recently I’ve discovered my natural talent for driving through canyons seeing that a few months ago I was driving through them with a different objective in mind, but now I just race through them in an attempt to beat my last lap from the other ones. My fastest time through turnbull canyon going at a non stop 85mph is 17:13.087 and my fastest time through cajalco canyon is 10:44.899, so with that being said I need to amp up my game and sup up my car so I can get faster times. but all in good timing.

In relationships, I am still searching for that perfect girl, but it’s not like I am in a hurry, mostly taking my time and in hopes of finding that perfect girl that might take me away from certain things for a good while. 

Other than that not much to report, peace out peeps.

Umm….fuck it the nightmare still continues. It’s time to call it a night in a bit. I got an early start tomorrow and I really don’t want to be awake through this shit….With these human beings apparently nothing ever goes right, everything goes wrong cause. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that among many things in life. Love and I are not on the same level. Apparently women only want the cliche boy, the one you on the tv shows and is into all that hype shit. The lust of money and materialistic objects are their aim. To find a man that is going somewhere in life, is the gentlemen that is hard to find apparently is not what they wish for….

It might be the alcohol talking, or it might be the fact that my phone get’s blown’d up by private calls that might be from a girl that can’t decide what she wants.

Whatever it may be….I am certain that I don’t want to be in a society such as this one. The world is full of vanity, something that plagues us to look for what’s on the outside of the individual and not the inside. I am not the man I used to be, but I have retain my values and beliefs.

The saddest thing about it…..

…..I’ve never contemplated death as much as I have been doing so in the past nights. I think that’s why I go out in the middle of the night and race through the dark canyons challenging death to attempt and take me away. Someone important once said “I think you’re the guy who wants to die, but for some reason you will never die until you reach your 80’s”. I fear that this statement might be true. I wouldn’t off myself, but I know that if during these races through the canyons would to take me farther in bodily damages and I ended up dead, I know that I wouldn’t care. 

Many of you have attempted to tell me, “you have so much going for you, don’t worry about it, things will pick up and soon you’ll be free from the things you hate, living on your own etc…”

This is true and I’ve acknowledged it, but the fact is that what’s it all worth???? Any individual can have all the things they’ve been wanting to achieve and what not, but if they are not really happy with it, then what’s it worth??? What’s the value of achievements if you yourself are not happy with it? One cannot justify things for other individuals, if they’ve never taken a step in their shoes. Attempting to understand them is foolish, for you will never feel what they’ve felt. One can imagine, but even then you still don’t scratch the surface.

My car is ready to go, I am not buzzed, I am fine.

My car is ready to go, I wish things would’ve never been this way.

My car is ready to go, I also wish that I was able to become coldhearted to the touch.

My car is ready to go, I hope everyone understands why I have come to do this.

My car is ready to go, I am fully dressed in my “bulletproof” black suit.

My car is ready to go, If death and I embrace each other and I am to leave, and by that I mean if the canyons take me down tonight, I don’t want none of you to tear for me, be happy, as for I will be somewhere where I cannot feel these feelings any longer. 

My car is ready to go, I am putting my gloves and grabbing my pack of cigarettes.

My car is ready to go, Live Oak Canyon, Reche Canyon, here I come. 

My car is ready to go……whatever happens, happens. Life Goes On

-Jesus Alexandro Diaz Rubio :)

I never really enjoyed my christmas/birthday. There’s no specific reasons why to say the white truth. Maybe because every christmas would be one filled with tragedy or some sort of hardship, dilemma, and tensions. As a little kids I used to live between my mom and my grandparents. The tensions would rise between both parties through grudges and other factors. Yea, one can say I got gifts and I had parties for the 5th - 7th birthdays of my life. The once my mom began to get serious with my stepdad things took a turn for the weird, not the worse…just things that weren’t normal began to happen. 

My parents were never together, I am product known as a bastard child. Anyways back to this…christmas along with the rest of the major family oriented holidays of the year were becoming nightmares. I would have to stay stuck at home as a young child with nothing more than my imagination, a few gifts that a poverty class mother could afford, and my war equipment on to last me the next few weeks before the year would start all over again. It was a ritual that would continue until my 12th birthday.

On my 12th birthday as things were settling into what they always had become I began to declare my independence from such routines. It started off by me walking out of my house into the city’s urban and unexpected events concrete jungle. I walked through Norwalk’s streets with nothing more than $20 in my pocket and a desire to roam. I visited many areas of the city on foot. From the rich areas across Foster Rd. across Studebaker, to the gang infested areas by Alondra and Norwalk. The soles of my shoes were my luxurious car and the city streets were my scenic view. I stayed out till 8 o’clock that night. Upon returning home, no one had notice that I had left for such a long time. They assumed I was asleep as I used to do the years before. Then once coming inside and bathing I proceeded into my room and fell asleep. 

As 2002 took off, I began to change in many ways. My mentality began to mature at a faster rate and I also began to challenge my beliefs. From being raised as a catholic I began to accept the beliefs of Buddhism and Bushido. At the same time I ended up becoming an agnostic. For this christmas I continued my ritual of leaving my home and roaming the city that I reside in. The parents had taken off to my grandparents house and the only reason I hated christmas at their house was cause the cousins would show up and act like idiots with me, showing off their expensive ass gifts. I once again left my house with nothing more than $20 in my pockets and a new addition a small folding knife for self protection. It was my second christmas that I had finally gotten away from a battlefield. I was happy, but at the same time I felt disgraced that I had the unfortunate luck to end up with such a family that loved to spend their bonding holidays by killing each other through aggression and savagery. I would never understand how these things came to be, even present day I don’t understand. This day I spent it sitting down at the donut shop, relaxing sitting on my deck. I had no destination so I skated through the city for the remainder of the day and into the night. 

I arrived to a deserted home. The silence was quite soothing and at the same time it was a good company that I had received in a holiday since before I could even remember my birthdays. The dark house cold house at that moment was a symbolic habitat for how my birthdays had become in the recent years. The sentimental value of christmas would remain the same for the next three years, and nothing would change until my 16th birthday.

On my 16th birthday I spent the holidays with my ex. For the first time I was actually having what people call ordinary christmas. It was filled with people laughing and enjoying the company of one another. There was no envy or any type of hostile feelings in the air. The feelings to me were unknown, I never had felt such sensation. It brought me happiness for the first time in a decade. I would continue to enjoy these christmas events for the next 4 years. 

On my 21st birthday things had ended between me and her, the nightmare had resume, but this time I was able to get away from it all and it wasn’t walking around the city, it was driving around the southern part of the state. This past christmas I got in my car and drove out of my city to the interstate highways. I had no destination, just $300 for gas, cigarettes, and food. I headed southbound on interstate 215 to interstate 15 towards San Diego. From SD I took off to Los Angeles, took a quick drive through the downtown area and headed back to the inland empire, my new home. I drove out to the top of canyon springs park, accompanying me was a bottle of jack daniels, four packs of cigarettes and a knife. I stood there watching the city lights from a distance, drinking and smoking everything away. 

This year I am doing the same, since I have the nightmare above me. I am uncertain of the future but I am hopeful things will be alright.

Super stoked, I am awake and right now I am about board the truck with the boys and drive for two hours for my Rookie Division event. I am fucking excited and at the same time nervous. I am going to take a nap for a little bit longer and then hopefully some fucking breakfast haha. I know fatty status, but fuck it. c yall in the morning.

What I am thankful for this thanksgiving…hmm???? (pauses and thinks for a second)

Ahh! I am thankful for the following things…. I don’t know what I can really be thankful for, besides the fact that my mother gave birth to me and thus I am in this living hell. 

It’s sad how I think about this holiday and how a year ago I was having such a wonderful dinner with wonderful people. It’s funny how things change within time’s course. I am currently under the influence of whiskey. The brand is Jack Daniel’s, I am drunk but fuck it I guess my days are now lived this way. Deprived from sleep and deprived from alot of things. It’s been a long time since I really laughed, smiled, and felt the feeling I can described as happiness. I can no longer remember those sensations as the individual that gave them meaning has turned me away as if I was just a servant. 

It’s funny how my life has turned out to be, I have spent months analyzing my life and in conclusion it has been hard. I am the typical story of the broken home, I guess all I need to do to fulfill that profiling is obtain a criminal record and presto I am in. I am unable to understand how everything that has come my way has become a fucking obstacle. The only thing that I have managed to prove in my life wrong was that satan does not exist for I have tried selling my soul so I could have an improving life and he has never shown and nothing has ever improved. Or that fucker came up on my ass unguarded. I am not going to bored you with my boring life long tragedy. Hahaha I’m going to get a tattoo that says “Life Long Tragedy” on my stomach.

Anyways if you guys are having a nice thanksgiving meal tonight, then enjoy it and be thankful. I’ll be asleep for the rest of the day indulge in heavy liquor and my third pack of the night….yeah it helps me escape the dramatic soap opera that takes place in my house when my parents fight ruining every fucking holiday and including my birthdays. 

Adios

-Jesus Diaz. 

Disenchanting in dolor. Haec est vera, est verecundia. Haec membra inquisitioPERTUMULTUOSE enim donum gravitatis. sordidum Terna lacrimis mundare. Etmihi cogitaverunt in hac ipsa re omne tempus. decennia Iam ut vos aut I. coccinoconsolandi, ardens has carnes et dedit habet curam mihi. Et I cogitaverunt de histemporibus omne tempus. PENDULUS ex argento lining. Haec pulmone gratapuniceis lapsus casu. Inferno redderent sit vale urbi.

Disenchanting the romantic. This is the real, this is the shame. These limbs search feverishly for the gift of gravity. Coarse twine tears clean. And i have thought about this very instance for all time. Decades longer that you or I. Crimson comforting, scorching this flesh, giving its caring for me. And i have thought about these moments for all time. Dangling from a silver lining. These lungs welcome the crimson tides of misfortune. Hell to pay, this is my farewell to this city.

Sometimes I wish people would have the balls to tell me things straight up. #REALTALK.

Currently listening to Flamenco Sketches by Miles Davis. That is all.